Hello. It is the 10th of June of the year 2013 today.
Let me start by saying, I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I thought i was changing for the better, ignoring stuff that I know would get me in trouble. Ignoring people who I thought had a bad effect on me. Ignoring the problems surrounding me, hoping that it will be soon forgotten and everything else would be okay. Ignoring the possibility of friendship, probably even love just because I was too afraid that these people might leave me again. But i have never been so wrong in my life.
I thought that if I became invisible to the world, life would be much better, much easier. Well that is, given the fact that my life in high school was really really overwhelming. Maybe i matured too early? I mean not physically or romantically but emotionally and mentally. When I had problems back then, i always kept it to myself. I didn’t want other people to know it just because i don’t want them to get worried about me. I know I am a strong person and I know I could handle it. Plus the fact that my family doesn’t know that I am bisexual adds to my frustrations in life. I really want to tell them though, but i know it would change everything.
Maybe because in high school, I was always in the “spotlight”. I’m not one of those queen bees though, not even one of the cheerleaders, I was just a simple student in my eyes. Or i thought i was. Looking back, I was probably a bit well-known, given the fact that i started “screwing” girls ever since the 6th grade. People said i was smart, funny, easy-going, friendly, fun to be with, sarcastic but in a witty way and I made them feel alive. But looking back again, these traits got me in trouble. I didn’t want it t be that way anymore. That’s why i decided to be different in college, to be out of the light that got me in trouble.
But today my friend told me, “your life is so boring”. I don’t know why but it really struck me. It was just a simple sentence, a sentence probably uttered everyday by people. Maybe it struck me because nobody has ever told me that before. And now that I think about it, he is right. My life is boring. And as I ponder to that, i remembered what the Mad Hatter told Alice when she came back to Wonderland, “You’ve lost your muchness.” And indeed, I probably lost my “muchness” now. Do I really want it to be that way?
And with this I remembered the introduction to Jenna’s letter in the TV series “Awkward.” and here it goes, “Jenna, as you are now you could disappear and nobody would notice.” WHAT IF MY LIFE IS BECOMING LIKE THAT? I wouldn’t want my life to be that way. And then i came to the realization that I should bring back my old self. Because being yourself is the best self that you can be. You shouldn’t change for others. You shouldn’t run away from your problems. You shouldn’t run away from the people who love you.
I shouldn’t let my problems and experiences control me. I am stronger than this. I should change for the better, not change myself based on my past. I just want to feel alive again.
And now, I will try to mend the things that have already gotten out of hand right now. Wish me luck!